No one is “giving a child up for adoption,” nor has anyone “given up” on anyone. As an expectant parent, you are making the choice that you feel is best for your child. You’ll see this a few more times throughout the article, just to make sure you don’t forget that your experience as an expectant parent is validated. No matter what that entails, I don’t know of anyone who truly is “given up a child for adoption.” The phrase is outdated and inappropriate. Now, let’s go through a few reasons why. 

1. “Giving up” doesn’t represent the adoption experience for anyone. 

Think about it, what first comes to mind when you think of giving up? For most people, it means totally relinquishing any effort put into something, abandoning it, and moving on. Now, put that into the context of placing your child for adoption. Do any of those things sound like what you would want to use to describe your adoption experience? Absolutely not. As an expectant parent, you are making a very difficult and personal decision. You are not abandoning your child or relinquishing any effort; you work just as hard as the adoptive parents in the situation. Adoption isn’t an easy cut and dry process. It’s complicated and it takes an immense amount of strength from an expectant parent. In a sense, using “giving up” diminishes the experience of everyone involved in the adoption triad. 

During an interview with a birth mother (who wished to remain anonymous), she recounts how deeply emotional placing her child for adoption was. She describes how she wrestled with the decision for months. When she made the to continue with the adoption process, she describes the guilt and shame she felt because of the stigma against and language used about placing your child for adoption. If more people had used positive adoption language, it would have been easier to put herself in a more realistic and stable mindset throughout her pregnancy and post-adoption experience. 

Caroline Ritenour, a birth mother from Ohio, wrote an article that contained beautifully worded advice meant for birth mothers navigating the adoption process. With this language, she engages with expectant and birth mothers on a very personal level. Repeatedly, she breaks down stereotypes placed on birth mothers who place their child for adoption and emphasizes how important it is for the adoption community, along with outsiders, to recognize the strength it takes to go through the adoption process. Ritenour also encourages birth mothers to remember that they have different options to choose for their pregnancy and that no matter what choice they make, to own it. It’s their story and their prerogative, not anyone else’s. 

From my experience as an adoptee, I’ve learned that perhaps one of the biggest challenges I will ever face will be being rejected by members of my birth family. The feeling of abandonment that comes with being told that the people that were supposed to love you and take care of you is immense and lifelong. It also reinforces the feelings of grief over the fact that society thinks we were “given away” like a used toy. When this type of language is used, it’s devastating. Whether it’s in reference to a biological child or any other adoptee in the world, it hurts. Plus, if it hurts us adoptees so bad, imagine what it does to birth families. The stigmas against birth mothers who place their child up for adoption, as mentioned, are horrible. Birth mothers are not terrible people, nor are they just whisking their child away to a random family. Can you see how this language creates this hateful and untrue picture of expectant parents? This language has to stop. Using terms like “given up” only tear people down at what might be the most vulnerable and challenging part of their lives. 

Most people these days do not mean any ill intent when they say they “gave up” their child for adoption; they’re just using outdated terminology. By educating people on the most appropriate thing to say and why saying terms like “given up,” “unwanted pregnancy,” and “real parents” is so offensive and unrepresentative of the expectant and birth parent experience. 

2. Using this phrase makes it seem okay to use even more harmful phrases. 

Going through the adoption process is no easy feat. It is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make as an expectant parent, not to mention the work that potential adoptive parents have. By changing the language we use, including that used to describe the expectant/birth parent experience, the quicker that the stereotypes and stigmas will slowly begin to fade away. It is important to remember that change does not happen overnight or by one person being concerned, it takes the determined few that really want to see a change in their community.

Many of the phrases that are also viewed as common language by most people. Because they have been said repeatedly and accepted as the adoption vernacular, it’s hard for some to see the reasoning as to why they should be changed. Some might say they’re just words or that it’s too much work to try and say the politically correct thing. However, if enough people would put in the effort to think before they use a term like “giving up your child for adoption,” it would make a significant impact on the adoption community and serve as education for the general public. This article summarizes the most frequently used adoption terms that are harmful. They are listed below:

• Real parents
• Adoptive parents
• Adopted child
• Is adopted
• Keeping the baby 
• Illegitimate
• Unwanted pregnancy
• Child taken away
• “It’s so amazing that you have adopted a child in need.” 
• “Your child is so lucky that he/she was adopted by you.” 
• “Your son/daughter is so much better off with you than with the birth parents.” 
• “I could never raise someone else’s child.” 
• “I could never give my baby away.”

As you can see by reading through these terms and phrases, it’s pretty obvious for the majority of them why they could be construed as controversial. A general rule to follow is that if it doesn’t sound right or is something you would take offense to, don’t say it. Moreover, follow the golden rule: treat others how you would want to be treated. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics also has some do’s and don’ts when talking about adoption; their goal is to provide parents with knowledge on how to keep kids healthy and happy. Similar to the list above, the website provides examples of what to and what not to say when talking about adoption, as well as examples of positive talk. 

If you’re ever in doubt about if something you’ve said could be construed as inappropriate or offensive, consider browsing any of the following resources: the National Council for Adoption or Parents magazine. The Child Welfare Information Getaway ran by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services is also a great resource to use. On their website, they have several different handouts that you can print out or send to people. They are also good to keep on hand throughout your adoption journey, either for your own personal mental health and reminder or to help those around you learn the correct terminology. 

3. Adoption has the potential to be a positive experience for all involved. 

As the mindset of the adoption community has switched to a more realistic and friendly one, the issues that these outdated terms have been coming to surface. As we mentioned earlier, using negative adoption language opens the door for stereotypes and other negative terminology to be used. It also creates a one-sided view of the adoption experience that does not recognize the struggles and emotions that are dealt with expectant or birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees during the process. More importantly, every expectant parent’s journey through adoption is different. So, why continue to use phrases that do this? What’s the point? If there’s any chance at all that by stopping the use of them the adoption community could become a much safer space for everyone, why are we not rushing to change things? 

When interviewing the (anonymous) birth mother featured above, she commented on how rigid and detached she became when describing what it was like placing her child up for adoption. Although she was in “one of the darkest places of her life,” as she described it, it was still one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Although she wanted to raise her child, the pressure from the professionals she was working with to “give up her kid to a better family” began to get to her. This is a clear example of how damaging and traumatizing this can be to an expectant parent, especially if people in positions of authority are saying these things. Too often, expectant parents can be swayed one way or another during the adoption process by those who they are depending on to guide them in the right way. It is troubling to think that this could happen because of the wrong wording, especially because if they would have known to change what they said, she would have been able to make her decision on her own. No matter what her decision ended up being, positive language could have made it a less traumatic experience. This experience shows that the more we look to the future with hope and positivity, the less worry and trauma that will be present in future adoption journeys. 

Adoption is a process rooted in corruption and secrets, to be frank. To overcome the negative culture that has perpetuated for generations, we have to change the way that we think about adoption. While acknowledging the trauma and difficult emotions that come with the adoption process, we must make a shift toward a more positive mindset. Only then will we be able to create a ubiquitous harmony for birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. When you get to the core of what adoption truly means, you find that once all the technicalities and logistics are put on the back burner, it all boils down to two families that love a child and want the best for it. Although love can be complicated in some situations, there are positive sides to every adoption. Bringing that positivity back into the light is necessary for creating a more positive adoption outcome. 

In conclusion, my challenge to you, whether you are an expectant parent, a birth parent, an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone who just happened to stumble upon this article is to spend the next few weeks listening to how you talk about adoption. Do you use any of the phrases listed above? Do you already make an effort to use positive adoption language? If you find that you can answer “yes” to the first question, try to make a concerted effort to be conscious of the language you use. If you can answer “yes” to the second question, try to spread awareness about using positive adoption language in their everyday conversations. 

We are sending you best wishes on your adoption journey and hope that using and encouraging others to use positive language only makes it better.

The post Giving a Child Up For Adoption: 3 Reasons You’re Not appeared first on Unplanned Pregnancy | Options, Stories, Statistics, Dealing With.

What is an open adoption?

1. Open adoption can come in many different forms. 

One of the benefits of choosing an open adoption is that there is not one way they have to be conducted. The expectant parents and the adoptive family can work out the system that they feel is best for the child. No two open adoptions look the same. You have the authority to determine what you want for your child, for the most part. 

Despite their flexibility, however, open adoptions can be categorized into two general types. 

• Fully open adoptions involve the birth parents being extremely active in the child’s life and often have in-person visits. 
• Semi-open adoptions allow in-person visits, but the families communicate by phone/video call, text, email, or social media. Handwritten letters were common until the technology became more advanced. 

So, the hard choice would be to choose whether or not you want to be able to visit your child as they grow. This does allow you to develop a close relationship with them, but can be stressful for some birth parents. 

2. Open adoption allows the birth parents to have contact with their child after they are with their adoptive family. 

The characteristic feature of open adoption is that the birth families and the adoptive families will communicate once the adoption is processed. The child will get to have a relationship with both families creating a unique and loving lifelong bond. If the child’s birth father and extended family members such as siblings, grandparents, or aunts/uncles are involved, they can also have visitations. However, this is an agreement that must be made by the birth mother. If family members express interest in wanting to participate in the open adoption, you should decide if you want them to be or not. Once you’ve made this decision, you can then approach the birth parents 

Jessica Heesch, an adoptive mother of one, writes about her relationship with her son’s birth mother developed throughout the adoption process. She refers to her story as one that revolves around love and a trust-based relationship with the birth mother. Although she acknowledges that her journey has not been “all butterflies and cupcakes,” she emphasizes that all the challenges that were faced along the way were completely worth it. Throughout the birth mother’s pregnancy, there

The birth mother had a few requests, such as recording her voice so the baby would know his or her mother’s voice. Because she had talked to the baby for 9 months in the womb, it had gotten used to her voice; she was worried that if the baby didn’t recognize her voice it would become distressed. Heesch describes how much of an impact this had on her as she would have never thought to do something like that. She refers to the birth mother as “much wiser than her years and less selfish than I [the adoptive mother].” 

Perhaps her most important statement in the article is: “…open adoption isn’t about me; it’s about love. The amount of love you have for your child. It changes everything.” Because, at the end of the day, this is what it’s really about. The focus of the adoption is placed on the child and doing what is best for them rather than on either set of parents and their desires. Too often, we can get caught up in the logistics of the adoption process and forget about the true meaning of why we’re doing it. At the end of the article, Heesch returns to the beginning of her story where she was completely opposed and even angry about having an open adoption. By the time the adoption process was completed and she began raising her son, she was immensely grateful that she proceeded with the open adoption. Without it, she, her son, or his birth mother might not have had the same experience. 

3. Open adoption allows your child to see people who look like them. 

In a closed adoption, once your child is placed with their adoptive family, they may never see a person that looks like them. If you’ve never thought about this, it can seem like an odd thing to even worry about when placing your child for adoption. However, seeing family members that share your genetics is life-changing for an adoptee. 

By having an open adoption, this lack of sense of self will not be as large of a problem for your child. They will be able to see if they share your eyes, nose, body type, hair, voice, and the millions of other ways that we can identify ourselves in our relatives. Seeing yourself in your parents is something that most people take for granted and don’t even realize they do. Think about how often people are always telling parents “Oh. She looks so much like her mother/father,” “She has your eyes,” or “He acts just like his father did when he was that age.” It happens all the time. The most awkward situation for an adoptee is when someone who doesn’t know they’re adopted says they look like a member of their adoptive family; the parents then have to go through the entire “she’s adopted” talk, which becomes uncomfortable for everyone. Incidents like this and the many others that happen during an adoptee’s childhood ultimately put a large dent in their self-confidence, creating an unstable foundation for them to develop their own identity. 

For some semi-open adoptions, pictures of the birth parents are sent regularly (and vice versa) or the child will be able to video chat with their birth parents. 

4. Open adoption provides the child with better access to family history.

If you know anyone that is adopted, are adopted yourself, or anyone who has been through the adoption process before; you might know how difficult it is in most adoptions to obtain a complete medical and psychiatric history of the birth family for the child. For many agencies, the requirements for family history are not detailed or even in place at all. Although I was born and adopted in the mid-late 90s, assuming that things have vastly changed since then, I have no family history except for three recurrent conditions I have been able to track down from various family members. 

For many adoptees, including myself, accessing their family history is like fighting an uphill battle. Many times physical and psychiatric health reports are not included, leaving adoptees with no idea of the risks for getting certain diseases and no genetic background to keep on record with a doctor’s office. Imagine walking into a doctor’s office and being asked to fill out intake paperwork, but having nothing but the information you know about yourself to put down. A packet that should have taken you 15 minutes has now been completed in less than five. Name, address, social security number, current medications, past conditions or surgeries, any allergies to medications…done. Now you have to approach the receptionist with empty paperwork, only to be asked “Are you sure you’re through? I think you missed a few pages…”. As someone who has experienced this, I can say it is that if given the chance, I would have obtained my family health history at any cost. 

If you do choose an open adoption, providing an accurate family health history for your child is one of the best things you can do for them as an expectant parent. It tells your child that you care about their health and well being. Most importantly, discussing family history is not limited to health; educating your child on their culture, their history, and their ancestors can be wonderful for a child’s growth. The better sense of self they have, the easier it is for them. 

If the adoption is set up as a semi-open adoption, meaning that there are no in-person visits, putting together a “family album” is a great idea. Here, 

5. Open adoption involves setting boundaries. 

Setting boundaries during the adoption process is something that, as an expectant parent, you will have to do quite frequently. Boundaries are especially important when making your adoption plan. Ultimately, reducing the amount of influence you have when making decisions for your plan will ensure that you get the plan that you want. Retaining control over what you want to happen with your child is a large priority for most birth parents, so setting boundaries is a skill that will be of use. Usually, a person will already have boundaries that they adhere to whether they realize it or not. These can be anything from how you communicate, the people you allow into your space, and how much information you share with people. When setting boundaries in adoption, these same categories are used. 

As an expectant parent, you must make sure that your boundaries are stuck to and respected. Each parent, either expectant or adoptive, will have their own set of boundaries; meeting the needs of everyone can be difficult, but with communication, this is completely achievable. This article features several examples of boundaries expectant parents might make, such as:

• Emotional needs that need to be fulfilled 
• Room to decompress pre- and post-adoption
• Respecting your values, beliefs, and rules you adhere to.

There are many more examples of this, but ultimately you need to make sure that your requests are fulfilled, that you have the right to make any decisions you can about your child independently and without influence, and your desire to communicate and visit with your child.

6. Open adoption follows the same initial adoption process that other types do. 

Open adoptions begin with the traditional adoption process. First, an expectant parent will evaluate all their options and decide whether or not adoption is best for their child. After this happens, selecting an agency is the next step. Finding an agency can be challenging, as there are so many different ones to choose from. By visiting adoption.com or adoption.org, there are hundreds of articles and other resources about the many facets of adoption. Gladney Adoption Center, the agency that supports both websites, is an example of a large adoption agency. When choosing, be sure to evaluate what each agency has to offer. For example, some may only offer closed or open adoptions, while others offer a variety of options. 

Once the agency is chosen, it is recommended to get a lawyer to help guide you through the legal processes that are involved with placing a child for adoption. An adoptive family will then be chosen; most agencies provide thorough information and photos or videos of all the adoptive families that are seeking to find a child. When choosing, think about the aspects of a family that you want your child to have such as culture, language, religion, or ethnicity. Here is where you would want to think about whether you want to have an open or closed adoption. Some families have a preference, so this will need to be taken into consideration when selecting adoptive parents for your child.

However, once selected, the adoptive and birth families will work together to create the adoption plan, although the birth parents retain control over this. Fees are usually taken care of by the adoption agency or the adoptive family. The agency and lawyer will work with you up until you deliver your child and the adoption is finalized, and sometimes afterward if any post-natal care is needed. 

Finally, now that we’ve explored different facets of open adoption, we hope you are fully informed about the question, “What is an open adoption?” Keep in mind that open adoptions are not for everyone, but can provide some families (adoptive and birth) and children with an amazing adoption experience filled with love, trust, and honesty.

The post 6 Answers to the Question: What Is An Open Adoption? appeared first on Unplanned Pregnancy | Options, Stories, Statistics, Dealing With.