If you are considering adoption, you might be overwhelmed at the adoption process. This makes sense as there are a lot of steps and important decisions you must make as a birth parent. However, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. As a birth parent, you do not have to make all of your decisions right now. Instead, take small steps in the adoption process. Additionally, there are many organizations and agencies designed to help you with the process of adoption or services that you can receive if you decide to raise your baby but may need some help. Whatever you choose, remember that you are not alone in this process. 

Types of Adoption 

If you decide to pursue adoption, there are three different types that you can pursue: closed, open, and semi-open. Each type of adoption has advantages and disadvantages so it is important to consider all aspects before choosing the type of adoption you would like to choose. You can talk through the advantages and disadvantages of each type of adoption with an options counselor at an agency like the Gladney Center for Adoption. Also, you can follow the journeys of adult adoptees to see and understand their experiences. As an adoptive parent, it has been tremendously helpful for me to hear the experiences of adult adoptees because it helps inform my parenting strategies and methods. It may also help inform your decision about types of adoption, ethical adoption agencies, and potential adoptive families. 

Open Adoption

In an open adoption, there is open communication between the adoptee and birth parents. The extent of the openness varies from adoption to adoption. The birth parents could attend milestone events and birthday parties. Adoptees could have regular contact with their siblings. The openness could be limited to phone calls, cards on birthdays, and occasional visits. As the birth parent, you can choose the extent of the openness with the adoptive parents and decide what is best for you and the child.

Closed Adoption

Closed adoptions offer more privacy for the birth parents. Having a closed adoption prevents contact with the adoptee unless it is through the agency or lawyer. This allows the birth parents’ confidentiality if that is what they are seeking. 

Semi-Open Adoption

A semi-open adoption falls somewhere in between open and closed adoptions. This option gives you the opportunity to keep the door of contact open, especially when the child may want more information about his birth mother and father as he or she grows older. However, birth parents and adoptive parents can decide what they believe is appropriate to share. Communication, as with a closed adoption, is always through an agency or lawyer. Once a relationship is established and both parties feel comfortable with the boundaries set, it is possible to shift from a semi-open adoption to open adoption. 

Since adoptees with a closed adoption have experienced many problems and hardships about not knowing their biological parents, birth parents in the USA have moved more towards open adoptions when possible. Open adoptions, to some extent, alleviate worry and uncertainty that adoptees may face in not knowing their biological parents. It also allows adoptees to have the opportunity of knowing and loving their birth parents, who play a vital and valuable role in their lives. This relationship, though different from the traditional parent-child relationship, is fundamental in the healing process in an adoptee’s life. 

If you choose to not pursue adoption, there are many organizations and agencies seeking to help struggling parents in raising their children. You can look at programs, such as Gladney’s Rest and Respite program, that help you with common challenges that come with parenting newborns and toddlers. They can help you get on your feet and set you up for success as you provide for and raise your children.

Steps 

If you choose to pursue adoption, the process can certainly be overwhelming. Finding an adoption agency can help you narrow down your plan and move forward, one step at a time (and they can help you no matter where you are in the United States.). Here are some of the steps you will need to take in the adoption process. 

1. Know your options.

Becoming pregnant is life-changing. There is another being living inside of you, growing as you grow. Similarly, deciding whether or not to adopt is life-changing. It will change the trajectory not only of the life of the birth parents but also the life of the adoptee and adoptive parents. As you start the decision-making process, consider your options. You can place your child for adoption, or you can choose to raise the child. With adoption, you can choose to go through an agency or a lawyer. If you choose to raise the child, you can seek out support from organizations that support moms who might need some extra help (this could be for a myriad of reasons). You can check out these organizations that help single parents in need. Just know, no matter where you are, people and organizations are willing to help if you do not want to place your child for adoption. 

2. Talk to a trusted professional and/or friends and family.

As you make this decision, it will be essential for you to process with other people who know you, as well as professionals who can help you work through the choice. Talking with a trustworthy family and friends will remind you that you are not alone on your journey. They can help you consider different aspects of the decision and how it will impact you and your family in the long run. Additionally, they can be there for you to mentally and physically support you, as you make a very difficult decision. Make sure, however, these are people that you can trust and who are fully supportive of you. While you must have a support system, other people don’t have a say in your final decision. You alone choose what is best for you and your child. 

Additionally, if you don’t already go to a counselor or therapist, I suggest finding one. If you don’t know where to start, you can begin by looking at an adoption agency that you trust. They will connect you with an options counselor, helping you understand your options. Then, if you choose to move forward with adoption, they will walk you through the process. 

As you are talking with trusted friends, family, and professionals, consider what your goals are in life, who you want to be, and how you want to parent. Are those options for you right now? What plans can you make to achieve your goals? Talking with others (especially others who care about you) can assist you in making the most informed decision and feeling overwhelming peace when you decide whether or not to choose adoption. 

3. Meet a caseworker and choose a family. 

A caseworker will guide you through the necessary formal and legal steps of adoption. They will ask you to fill out an initial interest form, which will be your first step in making an adoption plan. Soon after that, you will have the opportunity to choose a family. You will look through parent profiles, examine their values and beliefs, location, and choose what type of adoption you desire (as discussed earlier). It is so important that you have a say in this because it will determine not only where your child will find family, but also who you, as the birth parent, will develop a relationship with if you choose open adoption. 

4. Plan the delivery. 

To ensure a peaceful delivery to adoptive parents, it is important that you develop a plan ahead of time. This will allow you time, as the birth parent, to feel confident about what will happen. You can choose how you want the delivery to occur and customize the delivery to meet your needs and desires. You have the right, as a birth parent, to choose how this plays out. 

5. Develop a Post-Adoption Plan 

If you decide to complete your adoption through an agency, you will have the opportunity to create a post-adoption plan. This allows you the opportunity to think through your goals and decide if you would like to pursue education, college, trade school, or job skills training. Many agencies have programs like this. The one at Gladney is called the Next Steps Program. Next Steps assist birth mothers not only with education, but with other important life necessities, such as obtaining a driver’s license, GED, or citizenship. 

Since pregnancy and placing a child for adoption are such life-changing decisions, filled with both joy and sadness, it is important that birth mothers (and fathers) receive the support and guidance they need following the adoption. Gladney provides support groups and individual counseling to birth moms throughout their lives, as adoption is an ongoing journey, not a one-time event. Adoption, for all members of the triad, can be difficult to navigate. It can be isolating to be a birth mother if you don’t know others who have gone through the same thing. Additionally, it is important to recognize that adoption can evoke very difficult emotions, and it is important and helpful to work through those feelings with a licensed professional or with others who have gone through a similar experience. 

Encouragement 

Wherever you are right now in the adoption process, choose to take your next step toward love. Love for yourself, love for your child, love for both of your futures. You are worthy of love, no matter whatever your choice may be. Although adoption is not the ideal option, beautiful things can grow from less than ideal circumstances. Both of my beautiful children came to me through adoption, and I couldn’t be more grateful for them and their birth parents. 

As a birth parent, you play a vital role in a child’s life, whether you choose an open, semi-open, or closed adoption. They value and love you, just as you value and love them. In an open adoption, you have the opportunity to know and love your precious child in a different way than the traditional parent role. This gives you the unique ability to connect and cherish your child, even if you cannot raise them. 

In closing, if you are considering adoption, remember that there are agencies, organizations, and people willing to walk alongside you. You are not alone in this process. First, talk with trusted friends, family, and/or a counselor about your decision to pursue adoption. If you choose to move forward in the process, research the types of adoption and what kind of adoption you would like to pursue. Next, find a lawyer or agency willing to walk you through the necessary steps to adopt. Then, make a plan with a caseworker, choose your family, deliver your child, and start a program like Next Steps. You have the opportunity to grow and heal, as well as play a vital role in the life of your child. 

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.

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See, we adopted our daughter and she happens to have Down syndrome too. This young mother said she thought our daughter was adorable, but she just couldn’t imagine parenting a child with a disability. So, I took a shot and asked her to meet us in person. Luckily, we lived about two hours away and we scheduled having dinner together. She arrived with her 3 other children and my husband and I had our daughter. She sat by her, laughed when my daughter did her cute things, smiled when my daughter reached over for a hug and asked us questions for almost three hours. In the end, she asked us, how it was so easy to love our daughter, but a struggle to love an unborn child.  We told her to take the time to consider her options first. She was focused on the diagnosis and not allowing her time to learn about who her daughter might be. Meeting our daughter gave her hope of what her future might be. She agreed to take time and if she couldn’t see past the diagnosis, we asked that she would keep adoption in mind and allow another family to love her daughter just like we loved ours. Flash forward three years later, and her beautiful daughter is healthy and thriving all because her mother took a chance and chose to give her life. 

If you are here, it means you are considering your options. I don’t know your situation. You might not be prepared for this pregnancy. You might have received a scary diagnosis or a child does simply does not fit into your plan right now. Whatever your reasons, I just ask you to consider what options are available to you. 

1. Adoption vs Abortion: Multiple options and Techniques

So, before you make your decision, it’s best to make sure you are educated and aware of all your options. Just making the choice between adoption and abortion is not enough. Both have different options and paths available to you, so it opens up and even more range of choices to consider. 

Many people don’t realize that adoption is more than signing a document. There are actually three different types of adoption. Closed adoption, semi-open adoption, and open adoption are all available to you. You can speak to an adoption specialist and they can help you figure out what type of adoption works for you as well as what your rights are as a birth parent. They can even help get you set up with a medical professional and counselor to help you process these feelings and emotions you are facing. 

When exploring what type of adoption would be best for you, it will help to try to look at your future. Do you want to be involved with this child’s life or do you want a clean break? Adoption agencies will help you make the best choice for you.

Open adoption allows you to be involved in the child’s and adoptive family’s lives. You can arrange meet-ups, phone calls, letters, and updates. In an open adoption, both the birth parents and adoptive parents agree on terms that work for both sides. I’ve known many families who have done an open adoption and the birth parents are like members of their families. They are involved in holidays and special events. This is a perfect option if you are still wanting to know this child. Many women choose open adoption when they simply do not have the means or support to raise a child. 

A semi-open adoption is a little less involved than open adoption but still allows you to be involved with the child’s life. Semi-open adoptions allow the birth parents to receive updates, schedule yearly visits, and have some communication with the family. If you still want to be slightly involved with this child, this could be perfect for you. It allows you to know how the child is doing and still have some space. 

Closed adoptions are the final option. A closed adoption means there is no contact between the birth family and the adoptive family. This usually means the adoption stays closed until the child reaches legal age. Often, adoptive families are slightly more comfortable with closed adoptions however many are open to any type of adoption. 

Now let’s take a look at the options available for abortion.

There are 5 different types of abortions that can be done: saline, dilation and extraction, dilation and evacuation, intracardiac injection, and suction aspiration. You can learn more about the details of each type of abortion and when they are typically performed. 

Many professionals try to stress that the baby does not feel pain or discomfort during these procedures, however, research has shown that babies respond, pull away, and even cry during these harsh procedures. In the worst cases, the child is not killed during abortion and is later born with defects, complications, and deformations. 

2. Adoption vs Abortion: Life after Birth

Life after pregnancy is complicated and emotional for any parent. Your body goes through so many ups and downs throughout your pregnancy and honestly, it makes your emotions feel like you are stuck on a roller-coaster. No matter what path you choose, life after birth can make you feel lost and overwhelmed.

If adoption is your path, there are many support groups and most adoption agencies offer life-long counseling for birth parents. It is very normal for birth parents to grieve the loss of their child. This is a very natural process and you need to allow yourself the time to process the emotions you will be feeling. Sharing your story and connecting to other women who have made this ultimate sacrifice will help you heal and move on. 

Understand that this situation does not define who you are or what your future will contain. Focus on the goals you have set for your life. Take some classes, start a new hobby, invest in yourself. If you have chosen to receive updates from the adoptive family, you might still have difficult feelings that can come up from time to time. But keep in mind, that adoption is a beautiful and selfless act. You will forever be part of the adoptive family’s life in one way or another. They will keep you in their thoughts and prayers always. Be proud of this special gift that you are giving a waiting family and connect with others to share your story. 

What about life after an abortion? 

Many people think that after an abortion life continues as normal and you can never think about it again. But research shows this is far from the truth. There is a questionable debate on the psychological effects that follow abortions. Many women push aside the pain, shame, and disappointment they naturally feel after an abortion. This, in turn, can cause some PTSD symptoms such as anxiety, depression, anger, and possible flashbacks to the procedure itself. Many women struggle with ideas of “what if.” They wonder what could have been if they had picked life instead of abortion. There are plenty of organizations and support groups for women who have had abortions; however, there is still a stigma to abortions and many women deal with it in silence. It is important to lean on someone during this time and not allow your emotional pain to cause you to separate from those that you love.

You need to also keep in mind that there are some possible physical repercussions of abortions. Many women struggle with fertility after an abortion. This means, when they are ready to birth a child once again, they need to work with a specialist or find themselves infertile. This is due to damage done to the uterus, bleeding complications, infections, or scar tissue. Some abortions have been to known to be botched and severe complications occurred during the procedure. Understand that not all doctors in clinics who perform abortions are certified surgeons. Therefore, when things start going wrong, they are unable to fix the problem and have to wait for emergency personal to rush the patient to the hospital. Keep in mind, you might not feel the side effects of the abortion until years later. Please keep in mind that this is something that will affect you for the rest of your life. 

I understand that abortion seems like a quick fix. I know you are scared, overwhelmed, and feel like your options are limited. I know right now it might feel difficult to look past this moment, but if you are taking time to do the research, then you know there is a possibility that you will choose to keep your child. If you do not feel prepared or ready to raise a child, I promise you there is a family dreaming of being able to adopt. There is a family who will love, accept, and cherish that child. I know it seems impossible to give a child up for adoption. I know that sounds scary, overwhelming, and too big of an investment. But adoption is a beautiful sacrifice. I met my beautiful daughter because of adoption. I am forever grateful to her birth parents. I think about them often, pray for them, send them only love and well wishes. The sacrifice they gave us changed our lives forever. I am so grateful that they gave my daughter a chance of life. They could have taken the so-called “easy” way out, but they loved her enough to give her up. Their sacrifice was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

Please take the time to continue your research on adoption vs abortion. Do not make any decision until you are ready and prepared. Websites like Adoption.com and Abortioncons.com will help you educate yourself as much as possible. Speak to other birth parents who are facing this same situation. With the magic of social media and the internet, you have countless resources at your fingertips. Utilize them and make sure the decision you make, is one you will be able to live with forever.

There is no easy answer when you are faced with a pregnancy that you might not have been prepared for. Considering all of your options is important, but also being aware of risk, issues, and complications for both adoption and abortion can help you make a choice that is right for you. Carefully weigh your options with your current situation, lifestyle, living circumstances, and life goals. If a baby does not align with you goals or your goals are not flexible, you may want to reconsider these parenting alternatives. It is never too late to make an adoption plan. 

Abortion is a major decision with lifelong consequences. Please consult a professional about your options before committing to your unplanned pregnancy option. You should never feel pressured to commit to a long-term option without first becoming completely educated about your options. Speak with one of Gladney’s options counselors today to learn more about your options for abortion, adoption, and parenting. Their team may offer you the resources you need to navigate your next step in your unplanned pregnancy. As you become more educated about your options, you will feel more empowered and confident in the decisions you do make. Never feel that you do not have available options and resources to support you during this time.

Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Do you want more choices with your adoption plan? Do you want to regain more control in your life? Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98. We can help you put together an adoption plan that best meets your needs.

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The language we use surrounding adoption is important. Adoption involves a real birth mother and father, an adoptee, and adoptive parents. All three members of the triad deserve dignity, respect, and honor throughout the lifetime journey of adoption. Certain language within the adoption world has been changed to honor and lift all members of the triad, but particularly birth parents and adoptees. “Putting a baby up for adoption” has a negative connotation, as it can sound almost flippant or comparative to putting an animal for adoption and as if you are devaluing the life of the adoptee. 

In the process of adopting our two children, many people made inappropriate comments about our children. I am always keenly aware of how these comments make our children feel, and that informs me of which language is appropriate and which language is not. For example, when I heard about “gotcha day,” as another term for the adoption day, I immediately felt uncomfortable. “Gotcha” sounds like someone came to a store to pick them up and take them home forever. To me, it shifted the attention from the adoptee’s experience (adoption day) to the adoptive parents’ experience (gotcha day). We decided to not use the term, as we didn’t feel that it was assigning honor to our children and their experience, and it made the adoption about us and the growth of our family instead of welcoming our children into our family. 

Whenever there is a negative connotation attached to a phrase, such as “putting a baby up for adoption,” or “gotcha day,” it is important to intentionally change the wording to assign honor and dignity to adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. When we change the language, we change the culture of it. For example, when we say “putting or giving a child up for adoption,” it is indicating that a birth parent is “giving away” their child, which has a negative connotation. When we change the language to “placing a child for adoption,” we are assisting in a change toward a cultural attitude shift about birth parents. Changing language honors and lifts birth parents in their decision to provide a different life for their child. 

Changing the language surrounding adoption can change how we view birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. For me, being careful about how I talk about my children, their stories, and their parents’ stories has helped me to check myself on our adoption journey. As a birth parent, you can intentionally honor yourself and your child by changing your language from “putting a child up for adoption” to “placing a child for adoption.” It’s a small, simple change that can create a ripple effect of honor and dignity within the adoption community. You can find more ways to change adoption language here. 

Placing a Child for Adoption: What does it mean? 

Placing a child for adoption (previously termed “putting a child up for adoption) means that you will find and choose an adoptive family to raise your child. This usually happens through an agency or with the help of a lawyer. With an agency, you will receive help, such as an options counselor and caseworker, who can walk you through the adoption process. They can inform you about your adoption options when placing a child for adoption, such as the type of adoption that you desire. There are three types of adoption that you can pursue: open adoption, semi-open adoption, and closed adoption. 

In an open adoption, you will have an open relationship with your child and her adoptive parents. The extent of the relationship is determined by the birth and adoptive parents. It can vary from monthly or quarterly visits to only communicating via mail or email. In a semi-open adoption, the birth parents can communicate with their child, but only through the agency. Some level of confidentiality is maintained. A closed adoption does not allow for information or contact between birth parents and adoptees. Most birth parents in the US have moved toward open or semi-open adoption, as it is so helpful in the identity formation of the adoptee. They feel much more secure in themselves when they know who their parents are, their heritage, and their history. Sherrie Eldridge talks about this in her book Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, highlighting what it feels like for an adopted child to lose their biological parents. Through an open or semi-open adoption, a birth parent can be a meaningful part of their child’s life. You can have a beautiful relationship with your child, but it will certainly look different from a traditional parent-child relationship. 

If it is difficult to envision this relationship with your child being meaningful, consider how not having a relationship with your child might have an impact on them. When adoptees do not know their birth parents, they are left with many questions about their life and history. Adopted children have an innate desire to know and love their biological parents, and sometimes the grief of not knowing who their parents are (even if they are unable to acknowledge it) becomes overbearing. This can cause many challenges for adopted children, including mental health and behavior challenges. Although you will not eradicate the grief that accompanies separation from birth parents, you will alleviate it through knowing and loving your child, even if it is in a different way. If you do choose to have a closed adoption, consider allowing the adoptee to know his or her medical history or provide some pictures. This allows the adoptee to connect with their past, culture, and identity.

Six Things You Should Know

Pregnancy is a life-changing event in a person’s life. You are bringing another life into the world, which is a joy and a privilege. Adoption is equally life-changing, and you should be fully aware of the impact this decision will have on you and the life of your child – both positive and negative. Here are six important things to keep in mind when deciding whether to place a child for adoption. 

1. You and your child will experience grief. 

While adoption does create families and brings joy from sorrow, one cannot negate that sorrow is, indeed, part of the journey – for both the birth parents and the adoptee. As a birth parent, it is essential to acknowledge that being separated from your child will cause grief and sadness that can reappear at different times of your life. In addition, your child will experience pain from being separated from their biological mother and father. This is not just because they desire to know where they come from; this grief manifests itself as trauma when a child is removed from a biological parent, even as a baby. The good news is grief can be overcome over time and with intention and awareness. In a loving family, your child can heal and grow. And within a loving environment, a birth parent can also heal and grow. 

2. Adoption is a lifelong journey, not a one-time decision. 

If you choose to place a child for adoption, whether it is open or closed, it will be a lifelong journey. If you have a closed adoption, the grief may resurface later in life or different situations. If you have an open adoption, you will still have a relationship with your child, albeit a different type of relationship. Although the relationship will ebb and flow, it is important to remember that this child is not disappearing. 

3. There are other options available if you don’t choose to pursue adoption. 

If you are considering not placing your child for adoption, but feel like you don’t have other options, keep in mind that there are organizations designed to assist moms who feel overwhelmed parenting or need help and support. One such organization is Safe Families. They provide you with a host family that functions as an aunt and uncle role. These host families can help you with respite care as you work, go to school, or pursue your goals. Safe Families is just one example of organizations that can help you in your parenting journey if you choose not to place your child for adoption. 

4. Hopeful, loving families are waiting to adopt children. 

People adopt for a myriad of reasons, but one of the primary reasons is infertility. Some couples dream of having children but are unable to have them by no fault of their own. They desire to hear little feet, kiss little cheeks, and love without condition. If you believe that adoption is the best avenue for you and your child, there is a family who would be extremely grateful to have the opportunity to raise and love your child as their own. If you choose to place your child for adoption, you will be helping another couple create a family, something they were physically incapable of doing. You will be giving the gift of family, a precious, irreplaceable gift. 

5. With open adoption, you can be a valuable and meaningful part of this new family. 

You can choose the extent of the openness of your adoption, but if you so choose, you can be a valuable member of this new family that you helped create. Although it may look different, you will always share blood and DNA with the child that you placed for adoption, which binds you together. You can participate in birthday parties, attend graduations, and simply enjoy the company of your child. It is similar to being an extended family member. 

6. A birth mother’s role is an essential one. 

If at all possible, as stated earlier, it is important that the birth mother and adoptee know one another. However, this is not only for the benefit of the long-term mental health of the adoptee. The birth mother’s health and care for herself are also essential for the wellbeing of the child. Think about the adverse effects on a child when a mother drinks or consumes drugs during pregnancy. A child can develop fetal alcohol syndrome when a mother drinks, causing them complications for the rest of their life. A child whose mother was addicted to drugs will have trouble eating and sleeping after birth. If a mother experiences extreme stress, it can impact the baby’s health. Therefore, the time that a child has with you in the womb, growing and developing, is essential and will provide solid ground on which your child can grow and heal outside of the womb. A positive pregnancy can set your child up for a lifetime of success, meaning that the birth parent plays a vital role in the life of the adoptee. 

If you are deciding whether to place your child for adoption, you are making a difficult, heavy decision: a life-altering one, just as pregnancy is. Make sure during this time, you take care of yourself and know your needs and desires. When you are taking care of yourself, you will be able to make a clear and confident decision. 

When we change the conversation from “putting a baby up for adoption” to “placing a child for adoption,” we change the narrative. Instead of “giving up” your baby, you are placing your baby into the arms of another loving family, who has been waiting and praying for the gift that you are giving them. While every adoption is different, you have the opportunity to engage in a healthy relationship with your child, whether that is attending birthday parties, track meets, and graduations, or writing letters back and forth. Whatever you decide, you play a vital role in the life of your child, and you will continue to fulfill this role as birth parent for a lifetime, as adoption is a lifelong journey. Wherever you are, you are not alone, and you can always reach out for help at an adoption agency or hotline if you are feeling overwhelmed by the decision. 

The post Putting A Baby Up for Adoption: 6 Things to Know appeared first on Unplanned Pregnancy | Options, Stories, Statistics, Dealing With.

No one is “giving a child up for adoption,” nor has anyone “given up” on anyone. As an expectant parent, you are making the choice that you feel is best for your child. You’ll see this a few more times throughout the article, just to make sure you don’t forget that your experience as an expectant parent is validated. No matter what that entails, I don’t know of anyone who truly is “given up a child for adoption.” The phrase is outdated and inappropriate. Now, let’s go through a few reasons why. 

1. “Giving up” doesn’t represent the adoption experience for anyone. 

Think about it, what first comes to mind when you think of giving up? For most people, it means totally relinquishing any effort put into something, abandoning it, and moving on. Now, put that into the context of placing your child for adoption. Do any of those things sound like what you would want to use to describe your adoption experience? Absolutely not. As an expectant parent, you are making a very difficult and personal decision. You are not abandoning your child or relinquishing any effort; you work just as hard as the adoptive parents in the situation. Adoption isn’t an easy cut and dry process. It’s complicated and it takes an immense amount of strength from an expectant parent. In a sense, using “giving up” diminishes the experience of everyone involved in the adoption triad. 

During an interview with a birth mother (who wished to remain anonymous), she recounts how deeply emotional placing her child for adoption was. She describes how she wrestled with the decision for months. When she made the to continue with the adoption process, she describes the guilt and shame she felt because of the stigma against and language used about placing your child for adoption. If more people had used positive adoption language, it would have been easier to put herself in a more realistic and stable mindset throughout her pregnancy and post-adoption experience. 

Caroline Ritenour, a birth mother from Ohio, wrote an article that contained beautifully worded advice meant for birth mothers navigating the adoption process. With this language, she engages with expectant and birth mothers on a very personal level. Repeatedly, she breaks down stereotypes placed on birth mothers who place their child for adoption and emphasizes how important it is for the adoption community, along with outsiders, to recognize the strength it takes to go through the adoption process. Ritenour also encourages birth mothers to remember that they have different options to choose for their pregnancy and that no matter what choice they make, to own it. It’s their story and their prerogative, not anyone else’s. 

From my experience as an adoptee, I’ve learned that perhaps one of the biggest challenges I will ever face will be being rejected by members of my birth family. The feeling of abandonment that comes with being told that the people that were supposed to love you and take care of you is immense and lifelong. It also reinforces the feelings of grief over the fact that society thinks we were “given away” like a used toy. When this type of language is used, it’s devastating. Whether it’s in reference to a biological child or any other adoptee in the world, it hurts. Plus, if it hurts us adoptees so bad, imagine what it does to birth families. The stigmas against birth mothers who place their child up for adoption, as mentioned, are horrible. Birth mothers are not terrible people, nor are they just whisking their child away to a random family. Can you see how this language creates this hateful and untrue picture of expectant parents? This language has to stop. Using terms like “given up” only tear people down at what might be the most vulnerable and challenging part of their lives. 

Most people these days do not mean any ill intent when they say they “gave up” their child for adoption; they’re just using outdated terminology. By educating people on the most appropriate thing to say and why saying terms like “given up,” “unwanted pregnancy,” and “real parents” is so offensive and unrepresentative of the expectant and birth parent experience. 

2. Using this phrase makes it seem okay to use even more harmful phrases. 

Going through the adoption process is no easy feat. It is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make as an expectant parent, not to mention the work that potential adoptive parents have. By changing the language we use, including that used to describe the expectant/birth parent experience, the quicker that the stereotypes and stigmas will slowly begin to fade away. It is important to remember that change does not happen overnight or by one person being concerned, it takes the determined few that really want to see a change in their community.

Many of the phrases that are also viewed as common language by most people. Because they have been said repeatedly and accepted as the adoption vernacular, it’s hard for some to see the reasoning as to why they should be changed. Some might say they’re just words or that it’s too much work to try and say the politically correct thing. However, if enough people would put in the effort to think before they use a term like “giving up your child for adoption,” it would make a significant impact on the adoption community and serve as education for the general public. This article summarizes the most frequently used adoption terms that are harmful. They are listed below:

• Real parents
• Adoptive parents
• Adopted child
• Is adopted
• Keeping the baby 
• Illegitimate
• Unwanted pregnancy
• Child taken away
• “It’s so amazing that you have adopted a child in need.” 
• “Your child is so lucky that he/she was adopted by you.” 
• “Your son/daughter is so much better off with you than with the birth parents.” 
• “I could never raise someone else’s child.” 
• “I could never give my baby away.”

As you can see by reading through these terms and phrases, it’s pretty obvious for the majority of them why they could be construed as controversial. A general rule to follow is that if it doesn’t sound right or is something you would take offense to, don’t say it. Moreover, follow the golden rule: treat others how you would want to be treated. 

The American Academy of Pediatrics also has some do’s and don’ts when talking about adoption; their goal is to provide parents with knowledge on how to keep kids healthy and happy. Similar to the list above, the website provides examples of what to and what not to say when talking about adoption, as well as examples of positive talk. 

If you’re ever in doubt about if something you’ve said could be construed as inappropriate or offensive, consider browsing any of the following resources: the National Council for Adoption or Parents magazine. The Child Welfare Information Getaway ran by the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services is also a great resource to use. On their website, they have several different handouts that you can print out or send to people. They are also good to keep on hand throughout your adoption journey, either for your own personal mental health and reminder or to help those around you learn the correct terminology. 

3. Adoption has the potential to be a positive experience for all involved. 

As the mindset of the adoption community has switched to a more realistic and friendly one, the issues that these outdated terms have been coming to surface. As we mentioned earlier, using negative adoption language opens the door for stereotypes and other negative terminology to be used. It also creates a one-sided view of the adoption experience that does not recognize the struggles and emotions that are dealt with expectant or birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees during the process. More importantly, every expectant parent’s journey through adoption is different. So, why continue to use phrases that do this? What’s the point? If there’s any chance at all that by stopping the use of them the adoption community could become a much safer space for everyone, why are we not rushing to change things? 

When interviewing the (anonymous) birth mother featured above, she commented on how rigid and detached she became when describing what it was like placing her child up for adoption. Although she was in “one of the darkest places of her life,” as she described it, it was still one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Although she wanted to raise her child, the pressure from the professionals she was working with to “give up her kid to a better family” began to get to her. This is a clear example of how damaging and traumatizing this can be to an expectant parent, especially if people in positions of authority are saying these things. Too often, expectant parents can be swayed one way or another during the adoption process by those who they are depending on to guide them in the right way. It is troubling to think that this could happen because of the wrong wording, especially because if they would have known to change what they said, she would have been able to make her decision on her own. No matter what her decision ended up being, positive language could have made it a less traumatic experience. This experience shows that the more we look to the future with hope and positivity, the less worry and trauma that will be present in future adoption journeys. 

Adoption is a process rooted in corruption and secrets, to be frank. To overcome the negative culture that has perpetuated for generations, we have to change the way that we think about adoption. While acknowledging the trauma and difficult emotions that come with the adoption process, we must make a shift toward a more positive mindset. Only then will we be able to create a ubiquitous harmony for birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. When you get to the core of what adoption truly means, you find that once all the technicalities and logistics are put on the back burner, it all boils down to two families that love a child and want the best for it. Although love can be complicated in some situations, there are positive sides to every adoption. Bringing that positivity back into the light is necessary for creating a more positive adoption outcome. 

In conclusion, my challenge to you, whether you are an expectant parent, a birth parent, an adoptee, an adoptive parent, or someone who just happened to stumble upon this article is to spend the next few weeks listening to how you talk about adoption. Do you use any of the phrases listed above? Do you already make an effort to use positive adoption language? If you find that you can answer “yes” to the first question, try to make a concerted effort to be conscious of the language you use. If you can answer “yes” to the second question, try to spread awareness about using positive adoption language in their everyday conversations. 

We are sending you best wishes on your adoption journey and hope that using and encouraging others to use positive language only makes it better.

The post Giving a Child Up For Adoption: 3 Reasons You’re Not appeared first on Unplanned Pregnancy | Options, Stories, Statistics, Dealing With.

What is an open adoption?

1. Open adoption can come in many different forms. 

One of the benefits of choosing an open adoption is that there is not one way they have to be conducted. The expectant parents and the adoptive family can work out the system that they feel is best for the child. No two open adoptions look the same. You have the authority to determine what you want for your child, for the most part. 

Despite their flexibility, however, open adoptions can be categorized into two general types. 

• Fully open adoptions involve the birth parents being extremely active in the child’s life and often have in-person visits. 
• Semi-open adoptions allow in-person visits, but the families communicate by phone/video call, text, email, or social media. Handwritten letters were common until the technology became more advanced. 

So, the hard choice would be to choose whether or not you want to be able to visit your child as they grow. This does allow you to develop a close relationship with them, but can be stressful for some birth parents. 

2. Open adoption allows the birth parents to have contact with their child after they are with their adoptive family. 

The characteristic feature of open adoption is that the birth families and the adoptive families will communicate once the adoption is processed. The child will get to have a relationship with both families creating a unique and loving lifelong bond. If the child’s birth father and extended family members such as siblings, grandparents, or aunts/uncles are involved, they can also have visitations. However, this is an agreement that must be made by the birth mother. If family members express interest in wanting to participate in the open adoption, you should decide if you want them to be or not. Once you’ve made this decision, you can then approach the birth parents 

Jessica Heesch, an adoptive mother of one, writes about her relationship with her son’s birth mother developed throughout the adoption process. She refers to her story as one that revolves around love and a trust-based relationship with the birth mother. Although she acknowledges that her journey has not been “all butterflies and cupcakes,” she emphasizes that all the challenges that were faced along the way were completely worth it. Throughout the birth mother’s pregnancy, there

The birth mother had a few requests, such as recording her voice so the baby would know his or her mother’s voice. Because she had talked to the baby for 9 months in the womb, it had gotten used to her voice; she was worried that if the baby didn’t recognize her voice it would become distressed. Heesch describes how much of an impact this had on her as she would have never thought to do something like that. She refers to the birth mother as “much wiser than her years and less selfish than I [the adoptive mother].” 

Perhaps her most important statement in the article is: “…open adoption isn’t about me; it’s about love. The amount of love you have for your child. It changes everything.” Because, at the end of the day, this is what it’s really about. The focus of the adoption is placed on the child and doing what is best for them rather than on either set of parents and their desires. Too often, we can get caught up in the logistics of the adoption process and forget about the true meaning of why we’re doing it. At the end of the article, Heesch returns to the beginning of her story where she was completely opposed and even angry about having an open adoption. By the time the adoption process was completed and she began raising her son, she was immensely grateful that she proceeded with the open adoption. Without it, she, her son, or his birth mother might not have had the same experience. 

3. Open adoption allows your child to see people who look like them. 

In a closed adoption, once your child is placed with their adoptive family, they may never see a person that looks like them. If you’ve never thought about this, it can seem like an odd thing to even worry about when placing your child for adoption. However, seeing family members that share your genetics is life-changing for an adoptee. 

By having an open adoption, this lack of sense of self will not be as large of a problem for your child. They will be able to see if they share your eyes, nose, body type, hair, voice, and the millions of other ways that we can identify ourselves in our relatives. Seeing yourself in your parents is something that most people take for granted and don’t even realize they do. Think about how often people are always telling parents “Oh. She looks so much like her mother/father,” “She has your eyes,” or “He acts just like his father did when he was that age.” It happens all the time. The most awkward situation for an adoptee is when someone who doesn’t know they’re adopted says they look like a member of their adoptive family; the parents then have to go through the entire “she’s adopted” talk, which becomes uncomfortable for everyone. Incidents like this and the many others that happen during an adoptee’s childhood ultimately put a large dent in their self-confidence, creating an unstable foundation for them to develop their own identity. 

For some semi-open adoptions, pictures of the birth parents are sent regularly (and vice versa) or the child will be able to video chat with their birth parents. 

4. Open adoption provides the child with better access to family history.

If you know anyone that is adopted, are adopted yourself, or anyone who has been through the adoption process before; you might know how difficult it is in most adoptions to obtain a complete medical and psychiatric history of the birth family for the child. For many agencies, the requirements for family history are not detailed or even in place at all. Although I was born and adopted in the mid-late 90s, assuming that things have vastly changed since then, I have no family history except for three recurrent conditions I have been able to track down from various family members. 

For many adoptees, including myself, accessing their family history is like fighting an uphill battle. Many times physical and psychiatric health reports are not included, leaving adoptees with no idea of the risks for getting certain diseases and no genetic background to keep on record with a doctor’s office. Imagine walking into a doctor’s office and being asked to fill out intake paperwork, but having nothing but the information you know about yourself to put down. A packet that should have taken you 15 minutes has now been completed in less than five. Name, address, social security number, current medications, past conditions or surgeries, any allergies to medications…done. Now you have to approach the receptionist with empty paperwork, only to be asked “Are you sure you’re through? I think you missed a few pages…”. As someone who has experienced this, I can say it is that if given the chance, I would have obtained my family health history at any cost. 

If you do choose an open adoption, providing an accurate family health history for your child is one of the best things you can do for them as an expectant parent. It tells your child that you care about their health and well being. Most importantly, discussing family history is not limited to health; educating your child on their culture, their history, and their ancestors can be wonderful for a child’s growth. The better sense of self they have, the easier it is for them. 

If the adoption is set up as a semi-open adoption, meaning that there are no in-person visits, putting together a “family album” is a great idea. Here, 

5. Open adoption involves setting boundaries. 

Setting boundaries during the adoption process is something that, as an expectant parent, you will have to do quite frequently. Boundaries are especially important when making your adoption plan. Ultimately, reducing the amount of influence you have when making decisions for your plan will ensure that you get the plan that you want. Retaining control over what you want to happen with your child is a large priority for most birth parents, so setting boundaries is a skill that will be of use. Usually, a person will already have boundaries that they adhere to whether they realize it or not. These can be anything from how you communicate, the people you allow into your space, and how much information you share with people. When setting boundaries in adoption, these same categories are used. 

As an expectant parent, you must make sure that your boundaries are stuck to and respected. Each parent, either expectant or adoptive, will have their own set of boundaries; meeting the needs of everyone can be difficult, but with communication, this is completely achievable. This article features several examples of boundaries expectant parents might make, such as:

• Emotional needs that need to be fulfilled 
• Room to decompress pre- and post-adoption
• Respecting your values, beliefs, and rules you adhere to.

There are many more examples of this, but ultimately you need to make sure that your requests are fulfilled, that you have the right to make any decisions you can about your child independently and without influence, and your desire to communicate and visit with your child.

6. Open adoption follows the same initial adoption process that other types do. 

Open adoptions begin with the traditional adoption process. First, an expectant parent will evaluate all their options and decide whether or not adoption is best for their child. After this happens, selecting an agency is the next step. Finding an agency can be challenging, as there are so many different ones to choose from. By visiting adoption.com or adoption.org, there are hundreds of articles and other resources about the many facets of adoption. Gladney Adoption Center, the agency that supports both websites, is an example of a large adoption agency. When choosing, be sure to evaluate what each agency has to offer. For example, some may only offer closed or open adoptions, while others offer a variety of options. 

Once the agency is chosen, it is recommended to get a lawyer to help guide you through the legal processes that are involved with placing a child for adoption. An adoptive family will then be chosen; most agencies provide thorough information and photos or videos of all the adoptive families that are seeking to find a child. When choosing, think about the aspects of a family that you want your child to have such as culture, language, religion, or ethnicity. Here is where you would want to think about whether you want to have an open or closed adoption. Some families have a preference, so this will need to be taken into consideration when selecting adoptive parents for your child.

However, once selected, the adoptive and birth families will work together to create the adoption plan, although the birth parents retain control over this. Fees are usually taken care of by the adoption agency or the adoptive family. The agency and lawyer will work with you up until you deliver your child and the adoption is finalized, and sometimes afterward if any post-natal care is needed. 

Finally, now that we’ve explored different facets of open adoption, we hope you are fully informed about the question, “What is an open adoption?” Keep in mind that open adoptions are not for everyone, but can provide some families (adoptive and birth) and children with an amazing adoption experience filled with love, trust, and honesty.

The post 6 Answers to the Question: What Is An Open Adoption? appeared first on Unplanned Pregnancy | Options, Stories, Statistics, Dealing With.

Parenting

The decision to parent your child is a big one but can be very rewarding. Loving and caring for another person brings a lot of fulfillment and joy throughout your life. Caring for a child is a big responsibility and there are a lot of things to consider and think about.

Each stage of childhood comes with its own set of challenges. When a baby is firstborn, they will need round the clock care. They are very fragile and rely on their caregivers for everything. Caregivers feed, change, clean, clothe, and help the baby sleep. They require regular pediatric appointments and are more susceptible to illness. Children require healthcare/insurance, a secure home environment, food, clean air, and someone to care for them at all times. Things to consider might be whether or not you will need to work and put your child in daycare, where you will live, and if you have the means to pay for diapers, clothes, food, and childcare. Some questions you might ask yourself:

• What are my feelings about being a parent and taking care of another person?
• Does becoming a parent feel like what is best for me at this time in my life?
• Am I ready to take care of all my child’s needs?
• Am I ready to love a child now?
• Am I ready to have less time for myself, more stress, and deal with the money needed to support a child?
• What would it mean for my future if I have a child now?
• Do I have support from my family and friends?

If you find that you are worried about raising your child, you must meet with a professional to walk you through your decision-making process. The Gladney Center for Adoption is a wonderful resource as you work through your decision to parent. They will pair you with an options counselor to go over all of your options and work with you to make a plan for you and your child. They will pair you with other expectant mothers that can offer you support. If you are already parenting your child and deciding whether or not to place them for adoption, you can use the Rest and Respite program by Gladney to provide some rest to reflect on how you’d like to move forward. With the Rest and Respite program you can expect the following:

• You will be assigned a compassionate counselor who will work with you for two weeks helping you determine the best possible scenarios for your future and your baby’s future.
• Your baby or toddler can go into short term transitional care with a loving and Gladney-qualified family for up to two weeks while you work with your counselor.
• During that time, you will learn about Gladney’s Next Step program, and the options available for educational opportunities to help secure your goals for a positive future.
• You will also have the opportunity to learn all you can about adoption options. You can speak with birth mothers who have made adoption plans for their children, and you can look at profiles of hopeful families who are waiting to adopt.
• At the end of the 2 weeks, you’ll have enough information to decide if continuing to parent your child or making an adoption plan is the best decision for you and your baby.
• If you move forward with adoption, your caseworker and other Gladney staff will assist with making your personalized plan just for you; you will continue to receive counseling and post-adoption services.

There are many resources for families that decide to parent their child/children after an unplanned pregnancy. If you find yourself worried about meeting the basic needs of your child, reach out to your local Medicaid, Food Stamp, and WIC offices for more resources. 

Mothers

Deciding to place your child for adoption is not an easy decision. Before deciding to place your child for adoption, there are a few questions to ask yourself.

• What are my feelings about adoption and another person being my baby’s parent?
• Does adoption feel like what is best for me at this time in my life?
• Can I go through pregnancy and birth then give my baby to someone else?
• Will I be able to cope with the feeling of loss that I may have after the pregnancy is over?
• Is anyone pressuring me to choose adoption?
• Do I have support from my family and friends?

As you consider adoption options for your child, you should know that as an expectant/birth mother, you are entitled to rights that put you in control of the situation. We will review some of the rights that you have during the process of making an adoption plan for your child.

Termination of Rights

The first and ultimate decision you will make when placing your child for adoption is choosing another family to have legal guardianship of your child. Once you place your child for adoption, you will sign your parental rights to a new family. Parental rights are terminated both voluntarily and involuntarily. 

Parents whose rights are terminated involuntarily are found to be unsuited to parent their child or children. Generally, these parents have worked with the foster system and have had their children placed in foster care. With the help of a caseworker and a judge, a service plan is created to regain parental rights. If all of the pieces of the plan are completed and the court finds the parents capable of caring for their children, the child/children can return home. If not, the parental rights are terminated.

In contrast, you can decide to place your child with another family. While the decision is hard and shouldn’t be made lightly, the decision for parental rights to be terminated would be yours. One or both parents must consent for parental rights to be terminated. If the father is known, he must agree to the termination of rights. If he is unknown, every effort must be made to identify and find him. Otherwise, the birth mother can choose to terminate parental rights alone.

Each state has varying rules and laws about when parental rights can be terminated. Some states allow parents to terminate rights right after birth. Others require a longer period, some even up to thirty days. Generally, the termination of rights cannot be reversed. It is a binding contract that cannot be revoked. In extreme and unique circumstances, it might be possible to revoke the termination of rights in the following cases.:

• fraud or coercion was involved
• the state allows a set time for revoking consent
• the state (or other governing body) determines that revocation is in the best interest of the child
• the birth parents and adoptive parents mutually agree to revocation

It is important to contact an attorney to review your options, to understand your state’s laws, and to help you make an informed decision. 

During Your Pregnancy 

You make all of the decisions for you and your child while you are pregnant. You must receive prenatal care for you and the baby. Finding a doctor that supports you throughout your pregnancy will ensure that needs of both you and your child are met. If your finances are limited, you will likely qualify for Medicaid. Medicaid is government-issued insurance that helps children, low-income individuals, pregnant women, elderly, and those with disabilities. 

During your pregnancy, you can research different adoption agencies. You have the ultimate say in which agency you decide to work with. Look for an agency that listens to you and your needs, respects your desires and opinions, and has reviews as an ethical agency. The more transparent an agency is, the better. Ask them any and everything that you want.

When working with an agency, they can provide many resources and information for you while pregnant. For example, when working with Gladney Center for Adoption, you will be paired with an options counselor that will work with you through your whole process and pregnancy. They will put you in contact with other expectant moms that have decided to place their child for adoption, which can be a great resource and support.

Gladney also works closely with you to help you find medical care and support some of your financial needs like food, housing, and transportation. They also sit down and work with you to create a plan for your future after the baby is born. If you have educational or career goals, they will help you to navigate how to accomplish your goals. The options counselor can help you:

• determine your eligibility for financial assistance.
• schedule and arrange doctor and hospital visits.
• coordinate free legal services for the adoption.
• connect you with others who’ve chosen adoption for their children (so you can hear about their stories and experiences).

You also can make the decisions for your adoption plan. You can choose the type of family that you want your child to be placed with. Do you want a two-parent home? Married? Single? Heterosexual? LGBT? Do you care whether or not they have children already in the home, or would you want their child to be the first? You may have specific preferences about religion, race, and whether or not one of the parents stays home. You will work closely with your adoption agency to think about the type of family you want to place your child in.

You can also decide how open your adoption is. There are three levels of adoption openness: closed, semi-open, and open. A closed adoption is just that: closed. After parental rights are terminated, you will no longer be in contact with the adoptive family or the baby. With a semi-open adoption, you can be sent pictures occasionally and receive updates on how the baby is doing. This puts a little bit of space between you and the adoptive family, but you are still able to see your baby grow and feel confident in your decision to place your baby. With fully open adoption, the possibilities are really up to you. You can ask for regular phone calls, in-person visits, pictures, or whatever else you feel you need. 

Semi-open and open adoptions are wonderful opens for everyone in the adoption triad. For birth moms, it gives them peace of mind knowing that their child is safe, well-cared for, and loved. For adoptees, they can know their history and where they came from. So much of a person’s identity is made up of their genetics and family history. For the adoptive family, they can feel the comfort knowing that there are more people in the world that love and care for the child. 

You also get to choose how your delivery will play out. You can decide who is in the room with you, whether or not you will have a c-section, use pain medication, or give birth in a hospital. You choose if the baby is kept in the room with you until rights are terminated. You get to make the decisions about your experience in the hospital and how much involvement you’d like with the adoptive family.

Fathers

Birth fathers aren’t often recognized, but if you are a birth father and are involved in the adoption process, you must be aware of your options, too. To be able to be a part of the decision making, you must be registered and recognized as the biological father of the baby. You will work closely with the child’s birth mother to make decisions about the adoption plan and the family that your child will be placed with.

Learning about your adoption options is important as you begin your journey. The more healthy expectations you can make, the more likely you are to find peace in the ultimate outcome of your life, your child’s life, and your future.

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