If a woman does not wish to abort but is not in good circumstances to parent her child, adoption is a good option. She can go to an agency or find a couple privately that she wishes to place her child with. After the child is born, she relinquishes her parental rights to him or her. Many times, a woman can choose the kind of relationship she will have with her child after placing for adoption. If she wants to have contact via letters or visits, she can place with a couple who seeks the same kind of relationship. Open adoptions have been very successful in both helping the birth mother’s grief and answering questions for adoptees. If she does not want to have any contact with the child, she doesn’t have to.

Adoption can be wonderful, but it is also associated with a lot of grief. Placing a child for adoption means that you are no longer their mother, and that can be very painful. Many women struggle with that loss throughout their lives. Adoption is a permanent decision. A birth mother can’t change her mind later on and regain custody of the child.

2. Abortion

Terminating the pregnancy is another option. Some women believe that abortion is the best option and don’t feel that they can (or want to) parent, and adoption seems either too painful or hard to explain.

Abortion is a complicated topic, and many people have strong opinions on whether it is ethical or moral. If a woman does not see any moral issues with abortion and feels it’s right for her and her child, she should contact her medical provider. 

3. Parenting 

An unplanned pregnancy automatically makes a mother. If that mother feels that it is in her child’s best interest that she parent, she should do so. If possible, she should work with the baby’s father to ensure that the child grows up with stability, both financially and emotionally. Regardless of his involvement, if a woman wants to parent, there is always a way. There are government assistance programs, churches, family, and many other kinds of support groups for single moms.

Parenting is not without its challenges. If the parents are not a couple, custody and child support can become an issue. Some children may also suffer from the lack of a father figure. Handling the stresses of single parenting is harder than parenting with someone else. Even with assistance programs, making sure the child has his or her needs met can be a struggle. Single parenting is incredibly difficult, but it can be done.

None of these options are perfect. They each have their pros and cons. When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, there is rarely an ‘ideal’ situation. It’s a matter of making the best of it. Being objective and taking careful stock of the circumstances you are in is the best way to decide which of these three options is right for you and your child. If you prioritize the best interest of your child, you can’t go wrong.

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1. Breathe

Your life is not over; it’s just changed. Big changes are hard but not impossible to handle. You can do this. You have nine months before the baby comes. Take these months to process what you’re going through and decide what to do. You don’t have to decide all at once. For now, just take care of yourself and make decisions as you feel ready.

2. Don’t be ashamed

One of the worst things about unplanned pregnancy is the shame associated with it. Always remember that your baby is not shameful. Just because it wasn’t planned doesn’t mean it’s not something to celebrate! Maybe you’re not proud of the actions that led to your situation. But pregnancy, in and of itself, is not wrong.

3. Talk it out

You don’t have to do this alone. Pregnancy can be very overwhelming and hard to accept and process. If you don’t have family or friends you feel comfortable with, find a therapist who can help you with all the complicated emotions that come with finding out you’re pregnant unexpectedly.

4. Seek medical care

Not only is medical care a must for both you and the baby, it can also help you process the pregnancy emotionally. Sometimes, a positive, at-home pregnancy test isn’t very convincing—especially if you’re scared for it to be true. To make sure you really are pregnant, get a blood test. They never lie. Maybe reality won’t hit that you truly are pregnant until your first ultrasound. This is normal for many women, regardless of whether or not the pregnancy was planned. Watching the little bean shaped baby on the ultrasound monitor will be visual proof that this pregnancy is real. 

Pregnancy is not something that can simply be wished away. For the health and safety of all involved, it’s important to accept the pregnancy early on. The first step is the hardest and most important of all. Once you’ve accepted your unplanned pregnancy, you can begin the new journey life has in store for you.

There is no easy way out of an unplanned pregnancy. No matter what, there are tough decisions to be made. None of them are simple choices. They all come with consequences. There are only 3 options: adoption, parenting, and abortion. Study it out in your mind and heart before you decide what is best for you and your child.

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1. Shame

Being pregnant is nothing to be ashamed of. However, there are people who think that it is. They will gossip about you; they will treat you poorly; they will isolate you. You will feel judged and alone. People you thought were your friends will turn their backs on you. Strangers will discriminate against you. Some people will see your belly and refuse to look you in the eye. Society has come a long way, but the harsh reality is that many people will still treat you poorly simply because you’re single and pregnant.

2. Tough Decisions

Pregnancy means that nothing is about you anymore. The moment you become pregnant, you are eating, breathing, and thinking for two. You may have to alter your lifestyle and the people you surround yourself with.

You have to decide not only what is best for you, but what is best for your child. There is no easy answer to what the right thing to do is. An unplanned pregnancy is not an ideal situation. All you can do is make the best of it.

3. Financial Challenges

Having a baby isn’t cheap. If you were unprepared for the pregnancy, coming up with the money for doctor visits and hospital bills might be tough. Not to mention the astronomical expense of providing for a child should you choose to parent. You may have to prioritize pregnancy expenses over education or other goals.

4. Love 

Even though my pregnancy was unplanned, I consider it a blessing. I love my baby just as much as I would have had she been planned. Having her has enriched and blessed my life in so many ways. I believe that my pregnancy made me a better person with a greater capacity for love and empathy.

Facing an unplanned pregnancy comes with many challenges. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. Your life isn’t over; it’s just different. If you are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, don’t give up. You can make it.

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1. Carly*

Carly was raised by a religious, upper-class family. She was in her early twenties when she became pregnant by her then boyfriend. When he found out she was pregnant, he left. Carly moved back in with her parents and made a plan to single parent her daughter. However, her carefully laid plan was disrupted in a beautiful way. When she was four months pregnant, she met her husband, Jake. He fell in love with her and married her before she had her daughter. Now, he raises Carly’s child as his own alongside their two other children.

2. Emily

Emily was your typical girl next door. She grew up riding her bike to the park to play with her friends, just like everyone else. She fell in love with Sam, a boy in her homeroom class when she was sixteen. All of a sudden she wasn’t like everyone else—she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend were very young, but they chose to parent their son. Emily and her little boy live with her parents so her mother can help her with childcare while she finishes high school. Sam visits often and helps financially as best he can.

3. Lauren

Lauren was thirty five and in the midst of a divorce when she found out she was pregnant with her fourth child. She had no friends or family to turn to, so she was on her own. She works long hours to provide for her children, and it’s hard. She has to rely on assistance from the state, and her children spend more time in daycare than she would like. But they keep her going, and being their mother is her greatest joy.

4. Rachel

Rachel was an intern at a law office in her late twenties when she met the father of her now child. She believed that he cared about her, but she didn’t know him as well as she thought. When she told him he was pregnant, he pressured her to abort. When she went to her family for help, they pressured her to abort as well. So she went through with it, but to this day, she wonders what her life would be like if she had chosen to go through with the pregnancy and whether she made the decision to abort because she wanted to, or because others wanted her to.

5. Amanda

Amanda was a resident at a hospital when she and her husband found out she was pregnant. He was a busy lawyer, and they agreed that now was not the right time for them to have a child. They went to the clinic together and terminated the pregnancy. Amanda went back to work two days later and is now a surgeon.

6. Nicole 

Nicole was in high school when she found out she was pregnant. When she told her parents, they marched her to an adoption agency. Without asking her what she wanted to do, they made an adoption plan for her. She didn’t think it was the right thing to do, but she signed the relinquishment papers anyway due to the pressure. She struggles with anger and resentment toward her parents and grieves the loss of her birth daughter daily.

7. Melanie

Melanie was a college student with a steady boyfriend. When she discovered she was pregnant, her boyfriend decided that he was not prepared to be a father. They split up amicably. She wanted the best for her son and wanted him to have a mother and father that were more stable than she was on her own. She found a wonderful family for her birth son, and they now have an amazing open-adoption relationship.

8. Tori

Tori was raised in the foster system and has never met her biological father. When she aged out of the foster system, she found herself in an extremely abusive relationship. When she got pregnant, she decided that this was not the life she wanted for her child. She didn’t want her daughter to grow up the same way she had, and so she chose to place for the safety of her little girl.

These are a few stories from the thousands of women who face unplanned pregnancies every year. Every situation is different, and these women come from all different backgrounds; they are all different ages. An unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone. There is no one size fits all solution. What works for one person might not work for another. All a woman can do when she faces an unplanned pregnancy is the best she can. If you are considering placing your baby for adoption, visit Adoption.com/profiles to view some adoption profiles of hopeful adoptive parents.

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

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1. Don’t be ashamed

There is nothing wrong with you or your child just because this pregnancy wasn’t planned. People will shame you; they will gossip and speculate. The details are no one’s business but your own. This child is a life and has just as much right to be celebrated as any other baby. It’s okay to be excited, even if you’re scared. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is simply ignorant.

2. Find your support system

When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, you learn who your true friends are. It’s possible that many people you used to be close to suddenly aren’t around anymore. You deserve better than that. Find people who will be there for you through thick and thin, no matter what you decide to do. Whether it be family, friends, or a support group, you need to have a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to through this uncertain time.

     3. Take care of yourself

Pregnancy is taxing on your body and your mind. You will be sick, swollen, and tired. The stress of your pregnancy being unplanned can make things even more taxing. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Eat well, get enough sleep, and exercise. Not only is this good for you and the baby, it will also help you manage your stress. You will be able to think more clearly.

4. Consider your options

When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, you have three options: parenting, adoption, or abortion. There is no one size fits all solution. Weigh the pros and cons and decide what is best for you and your child. Consider what your life would look like five, ten, and fifteen years down the road with each of these options. Try to be as objective as possible. Reach out to your support system to help you work through the process of making a decision. However, in the end, it’s up to you. You are the only one who can know what is truly best for you and your child. 

No matter what you decide, facing an unplanned pregnancy is hard, and it’s easy to feel defeated. Don’t give up. Remember that you are strong. You are smart. You are capable. You will make the best choice possible for you and your child. No matter what that is, you can do it. Just keep going.

If you are pregnant and considering adoption, visit Adoption.com/profiles to look at adoption profiles of hopeful adoptive parents.

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